Table of Contents
For twenty years, I built my life on a simple contract with God.
As a businessman, a husband, and a father, I understood contracts.
You hold up your end of the bargain, and the other party holds up theirs.
My faith operated on a similar principle, a kind of spiritual transaction I thought was biblical.
I would supply the trust—a bold, confident, unwavering belief in a specific, positive outcome.
In return, God would supply the victory.
It was a clean, linear equation that I applied to everything, from quarterly earnings reports to my children’s fevers.
This wasn’t a casual belief system; it was the engine of my ambition and the bedrock of my identity.
I had read the verses, attended the seminars, and seen the testimonies.
Trust was the currency of heaven, and I was determined to be spiritually solvent.
So, when I poured my life savings and a decade of my career into a new venture, I didn’t just hope for success; I trusted for it.
I prayed with the certainty of a man placing a winning bet.
I confessed victory in the face of mounting debts.
I rebuked doubt as a form of spiritual treason.
I was holding up my end of the contract.
And then, the contract was broken.
The collapse wasn’t a gentle slide; it was a catastrophic implosion that took my business, my savings, and my sense of self with it.
The failure was absolute.
It wasn’t a philosophical puzzle; it was the cold, hard rubble of my life.
In the silent aftermath, the problem of evil wasn’t an abstract theological debate about why a good God permits suffering.1
It was a deeply personal and searing question:
Why did a God I trusted so completely not only allow me to fail, but fail so spectacularly?
This was the fracture point.
My simple, transactional faith shattered.
The experience plunged me into what the mystics call a “dark night of the soul,” a period of profound spiritual depression and a terrifying sense of divine absence.3
It felt like a direct, personal betrayal.
This triggered what psychological research now identifies as “negative religious coping”—a toxic spiritual state characterized by feeling punished or abandoned by God, questioning His love, and developing a deeply insecure relationship with the divine.5
I had followed all the rules of faith, and my reward was desolation.
My trust hadn’t just been misplaced; it felt like it had been weaponized against me.
It was in that desolate landscape, stripped of my old certainties, that I was forced to begin a different kind of journey.
It was a journey that led me away from the simple mechanics of contracts and into the complex, messy, and ultimately more profound world of living ecosystems.
It led me to an epiphany not in a church or a sacred text, but in the pages of a biology journal describing the hidden life of forests.
It was there I discovered that my entire model of trust was wrong.
I had been trying to walk a tightrope to a distant God, when all along, I was meant to be part of a forest.
Part I: The Blueprint That Failed: When Trust Becomes a Tightrope
The model of faith that failed me is one I now call the “Tightrope of Transactional Faith.” It’s a framework built on a simple, yet perilous, logic: if I can maintain a perfect, unwavering line of belief, I will safely reach the reward on the other side.
Any wobble—any intrusion of doubt, fear, or negative circumstance—threatens to send me plummeting.
In this model, God is the destination, and my flawless trust is the only way to get there.
This framework turns the vast and well-documented psychological benefits of religious belief into a cruel taunt.
An overwhelming body of research confirms that faith and religiosity are, on average, powerful protective factors for mental health.7
Study after study demonstrates significant positive correlations between religious involvement and greater well-being, happiness, hope, optimism, and a profound sense of meaning and purpose in life.8
For instance, a meta-analysis of 326 quantitative studies found that 79% reported significant positive associations between religiosity/spirituality and well-being.8
Another review of 45 studies on meaning and purpose found that 93% reported a positive relationship with faith, particularly among those facing chronic illness.8
Faith has also been linked to higher self-esteem and greater resilience in the face of adversity.9
From my precarious position on the tightrope, these benefits were the promised land I could see but never reach.
The harder I tried to “trust” to achieve this state of well-being, the more my failure to secure the desired business outcome proved my trust was inadequate.
Each setback, each unpaid invoice, each unanswered prayer, was evidence of my own spiritual deficiency.
This pushed the promised land of peace and hope further away, creating a vicious cycle of striving and failure.
This experience twisted the Bible’s invitations to trust into crushing, impossible demands.
Proverbs 3:5-6 exhorts, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”.11
Theologically, trust is defined as an essential element of saving faith, a “bold, confident, sure security” that is foundational to the Christian life.11
But how does one give their
whole heart when it is fractured by fear? How can one not lean on their own understanding when that understanding is screaming that the ship is sinking? On the tightrope, these verses felt less like a comforting embrace and more like a command to perform a feat of spiritual gymnastics I was incapable of.
This led to a pervasive sense of guilt and inadequacy, a hallmark of the negative religious coping styles that are strongly correlated with poorer mental health outcomes, including increased depression and anxiety.5
What I couldn’t see at the time was the deep paradox at the heart of this model.
The transactional framework, which appears to be about surrendering control to God, is in fact a subtle and desperate attempt to control God.
It reframes faith as a spiritual technology, a set of inputs (prayer, belief, confession) designed to manipulate a divine system and guarantee a specific, desired output.
It is a mechanism for imposing my will upon the universe, cloaked in the language of piety.
When this attempt at control inevitably failed, the result was not the peace of surrender, but the catastrophic psychological fallout of losing all control.
The very foundation of my ability to manage my life was gone.
Research suggests that a mature faith can foster a greater internal locus of control, providing a sense of agency and stability even in chaotic circumstances.8
My tightrope faith did the opposite.
By outsourcing my sense of control to a transactional deity who then failed to perform as expected, I was left utterly powerless.
The model of faith that most resembled a bid for control was the very one that left me feeling most like a victim.
It was a blueprint for burnout, a system designed not for resilience, but for collapse.
Part II: The Epiphany Beneath the Forest Floor: A New Model for Trust
The collapse of my business and the faith that was tied to it was a form of death.
The “dark night of the soul” is not a metaphor; it is a lived reality of disorientation and despair, a feeling of profound divine abandonment.3
In this darkness, my old spiritual maps were useless.
Disconnected from my former certainties, I began to wander intellectually.
I stopped reading books about faith and started reading about everything else: physics, philosophy, and, most consequentially, biology.
This was the beginning of my deconstruction, a necessary dismantling of a faulty structure to make way for something new.
The classic arc of spiritual autobiography often involves this very pattern: a period of sin or simplistic belief, followed by a crisis, which then leads to cycles of repentance and struggle, culminating in a transformative conversion experience.14
My journey was following this ancient path.
The moment of epiphany came unexpectedly, not in a moment of prayer, but while reading a scientific article about the hidden life of forests.
The article was about mycelial networks.
I learned that the mushrooms we see on the forest floor are merely the “fruiting bodies” of a much larger organism.
The vast majority of the fungus exists underground as a complex, thread-like web called mycelium.15
This subterranean network, sometimes called the “Wood-Wide Web,” is a marvel of biological engineering.
It connects the root systems of individual trees, sometimes across vast areas of a forest, into a single, interdependent community.17
Through this intricate web, trees share resources.
A mother tree, with deep roots and access to sunlight, can send carbon and nutrients to shaded saplings.
Trees can send distress signals to one another, warning of insect attacks or disease, allowing their neighbors to mount a defense.18
It is a decentralized, resilient, living system of communication, resource sharing, and mutual support—and it is almost entirely invisible.20
Reading this, I felt a shock of recognition so profound it was almost physical.
This hidden, life-sustaining network was the perfect metaphor for the God I had been looking for.
It was a biological picture of grace.
My paradigm of faith shattered and re-formed in an instant.
The tightrope vanished.
The distant, transactional God was replaced by an immanent, relational, and interconnected reality.
My epiphany was this: Trust is not a single, fragile wire I extend to a distant God.
Trust is the lifelong process of discovering that I am already part of a vast, living, intelligent, and supportive network, and learning how to draw life from it and contribute back to it.
This reframing didn’t just answer my questions; it rendered them obsolete.
The question was no longer, “Why did God let this happen to me?” but “How is the Network responding to this damage, and how can I tap into its resources to heal and regrow?” God was no longer a remote Sovereign to be bargained with, but the all-encompassing, life-giving Ecosystem of Being itself, a system I was inextricably a part of, even in my brokenness.
Part III: The Mycelial Framework: A Living, Breathing Faith
This new paradigm, drawn from the living world, provided a robust framework for rebuilding my understanding of trust.
It allowed me to reintegrate the profound psychological benefits of faith, but on a foundation of resilience rather than fragility.
It gave me a new language to understand not only the blessings of faith but also its dangers and complexities.
1. The Unseen Network: Connection, Communication, and Shared Resources
The most fundamental shift was from seeing God as a separate entity to understanding God as the underlying, interconnected reality.
Just as the vast majority of a forest’s fungal life exists unseen as mycelium, so too is God’s providence a constant, subterranean reality that underpins our existence.16
We tend to focus on the “fruiting bodies”—the overt, visible miracles, the dramatic answered prayers, the mushrooms that pop up after a rain.
But the real, life-sustaining work of the network is happening continuously and invisibly beneath the surface, transporting the water and nutrients that make all life possible.15
In this model, prayer is not sending a message into the void and hoping for a reply.
It is the conscious act of sinking our spiritual roots deeper to tap into the life-giving resources that are already flowing through the network.
It is an act of attunement.
Similarly, a spiritual community is not just a collection of individual “trees” standing near each other; it is the recognition that we are all connected to the same life source, able to support and nourish one another through this shared system.
This framework provides a tangible, biological explanation for the powerful psychological benefits of feeling connected to something larger than oneself.
Decades of research have shown that this sense of connection is a primary driver of meaning, purpose, hope, and overall well-being.7
When we believe we are part of a vast, supportive network, we are less prone to the anxiety and despair that come from feeling isolated and solely responsible for our own survival.
The theological concept of the Holy Spirit can be understood here as the living medium of this network, the invisible “cytoplasmic streaming” within the hyphae that facilitates the transfer of grace, strength, and wisdom throughout the entire system.12
2. Mutualism vs. Parasitism: Discerning Healthy and Unhealthy Connections
The mycelial analogy doesn’t just offer a comforting picture of unity; it also provides a sophisticated tool for discernment.
Biology teaches us that not all symbiotic relationships are beneficial.
A mutualistic relationship is one where both organisms benefit, like the mycorrhizal fungi that help plant roots absorb nutrients in exchange for sugars.24
However, some fungi are parasitic, forming relationships where they drain life from their host, eventually causing illness or death.26
Furthermore, the network itself is not inherently benign.
Mycelial networks can be co-opted to transfer harmful allelochemicals—toxic substances that one plant uses to suppress its competitors.28
A connection to the network is not automatically good; its value is determined by
what is being transferred.
This provides a powerful, nuanced metaphor for the complex reality of religious experience.
The research presents an apparent contradiction: faith is generally linked to positive mental health outcomes, yet certain religious experiences are profoundly damaging.
The mycelial model resolves this.
Some religious ideas, communities, or interpretations of God function mutualistically.
They provide nourishment in the form of hope, meaning, communal support, and grace.
They foster resilience, self-esteem, and positive emotions.8
But other forms of faith are parasitic.
They feed on fear, instill guilt, demand rigid conformity, and define God as a punitive, controlling force.
These are the systems that give rise to negative religious coping.
They transfer spiritual “toxins” through the network—ideas that make individuals feel abandoned, punished, or in a constant state of spiritual discontent.5
Such a faith doesn’t nourish; it drains the spiritual life out of a person, exacerbating anxiety, depression, and a sense of hopelessness.
This moves the conversation beyond a simplistic “faith is good” or “faith is bad” binary.
It equips us with a crucial diagnostic question:
Is my connection to this belief system, this community, this understanding of God, a source of life-giving nutrients, or is it draining my life away? The function of the connection, not merely its existence, is what determines its value for our mental and spiritual health.
3. Resilience Through Interconnection: How the Network Responds to Damage
My old tightrope faith was brittle.
It had a single point of failure: the expectation of a specific outcome.
When that failed, the entire structure broke.
A mycelial network, by contrast, is the epitome of resilience.
These underground webs are vulnerable.
They can be damaged by external threats like soil disturbance (tillage), chemical pollution, and habitat destruction through deforestation or urbanization.30
These are the traumas of our lives: the loss of a loved one, a devastating diagnosis, a professional failure, a crisis of doubt.
However, the network’s decentralized, web-like structure is its greatest strength.
If one pathway is severed, resources and communication signals can be rerouted through countless other connections.32
The system can adapt, heal, and continue to support life.
A single tree can fall, but the forest’s root system endures.
This is a perfect metaphor for a mature, resilient faith.
A simple, single-thread faith breaks under the “soil disturbance” of suffering.
A mycelial faith understands that even if a primary connection to God feels severed—even if prayer feels empty and the heavens seem silent—the larger network of grace remains.
Support can be rerouted through new and unexpected channels: the kindness of a stranger, a passage of scripture that suddenly illuminates, the quiet solidarity of a friend, the profound peace found in nature.
This reframes the “dark night of the soul” not as a divine abandonment, but as a period of profound network reconfiguration following damage.
It aligns perfectly with James Fowler’s Stages of Faith Development, a psychological model that charts our spiritual maturation.33
Many people exist comfortably in Stage 3, “Synthetic-Conventional Faith,” where belief is adopted from external authorities (family, church) and is largely unexamined.35
A life crisis—a trauma, a deep disappointment—acts as the “disturbance” that often propels an individual into Stage 4, “Individuative-Reflective Faith.” This is a painful but necessary stage of questioning, critical examination, and taking personal responsibility for one’s own beliefs.34
It is the process of moving from an inherited faith to an owned faith.
In the mycelial model, doubt is not the enemy of faith.
Doubt is the signal that the network is rerouting.
It is the catalyst that forces us to grow deeper, more intricate roots, to seek out new connections, and to build a faith that is not dependent on a single, fragile pathway but is sustained by a vast, interconnected, and resilient web of life.
| Mycelial Component | Spiritual Counterpart |
| Hyphae (Individual Threads) | Individual acts of faith, prayer, service, and moments of connection. |
| Mycelial Network (The “Wood-Wide Web”) | The unseen, interconnected providence and sustaining presence of God. |
| Fruiting Body (Mushroom) | Overt miracles, visible blessings, and direct, tangible answered prayers. |
| Nutrient & Resource Transfer | The flow of grace, strength, peace, hope, and provision. |
| Communication Signals (Infochemicals) | The guidance of the Holy Spirit, intuition, wisdom, and the living Word of Scripture. |
| Soil Disturbance / Damage | Life’s traumas, suffering, profound doubt, and periods of deconstruction. |
| Parasitic Fungi / Allelopathy | Negative religious coping, toxic theology, spiritual abuse, and life-draining dogma. |
| Mother Trees (Network Hubs) | Spiritual mentors, wise communities, sacred traditions, and established sources of wisdom. |
Part IV: Living in the Network: A Practical Guide to a Resilient Trust
Translating this new paradigm from a beautiful metaphor into a lived reality required a complete overhaul of my spiritual practices.
It wasn’t about doing new things, but about doing the old things with an entirely new understanding.
This shift reframed my spiritual disciplines:
- Prayer was no longer about sending a request up to a celestial CEO and waiting for approval. It became the act of consciously sinking my roots deeper into the network that was already present, actively drawing on the nourishment of peace and strength that was constantly flowing just beneath the surface of my awareness. It moved from petition to participation.
- Scripture was no longer just a rulebook or a collection of promises to be claimed. It became a detailed topographical map of the network, revealing its pathways, principles, and the rich stories of others who had navigated its terrain. The Psalms, for instance, became a field guide to the dark nights and joyful discoveries of living within this interconnected reality.
- Community was no longer a social club for the like-minded. It became an essential grove of trees, a recognition of our mutual dependence on a shared root system of faith. In this grove, we could physically support one another during storms, share resources, and create a microclimate where new growth was possible.
- Service was no longer about earning divine favor or accumulating spiritual points. It became the natural function of a healthy, mature “mother tree.” Having established deep roots, my role was now to act as a conduit, transferring the resources I received from the network to younger or struggling saplings in my community who needed support.
This new way of thinking was powerfully reinforced when I discovered the science of the placebo effect.
The placebo effect is the stunning phenomenon where a person’s belief in a treatment can produce real, measurable physiological changes, even if the treatment itself is inert, like a sugar pill.38
Studies using brain scans have shown that expecting pain relief can trigger the brain to release its own natural opioids (endorphins), producing a genuine analgesic effect.40
The mind’s expectation literally changes the body’s chemistry.
This provided a scientific parallel to my spiritual discovery.
Our active belief and expectation that we are part of a supportive, life-giving network can trigger tangible neurochemical changes in our brains, releasing dopamine and endorphins that foster feelings of peace, hope, and security.40
Trusting the network isn’t just a pleasant thought; it is an active mental and emotional stance that can physically reshape our experience of pain, anxiety, and hope.
This doesn’t reduce faith to a mere psychological trick.
Rather, it reveals the profound, God-designed integration of our spiritual and biological selves.
The architecture of our minds is built to respond to belief.
Trusting in a mutualistic, life-giving network is the ultimate “active ingredient” for our well-being.
This understanding also requires a degree of cultural humility.
My story is rooted in a North American context, where faith is often expressed publicly and tied to political and social identity.43
For my readers in the United Kingdom, where faith is often a more private and understated affair, the “community” aspect of the network might manifest differently.45
Or in a highly secular nation like Australia, where nearly 40% of the population identifies as having “no religion,” the network’s connections might be found less in formal institutions and more through intimate friendships, engagement with art, or a deep connection to the natural world.47
The form may change, but the underlying principle of drawing life from our interconnection with a reality larger than ourselves remains a universal human need and spiritual truth.
Conclusion: From a Single Root to an Entire Forest
Several years after my business collapsed, my family faced a different kind of crisis: a terrifying health scare involving one of our children.
The circumstances were eerily similar—high stakes, an uncertain outcome, and a profound sense of powerlessness.
In my old life, this would have sent me straight back to the tightrope, frantically trying to balance my fear with a performance of perfect faith, my anxiety mounting with every passing moment.
But this time was different.
Armed with the mycelial paradigm, my response was transformed.
My prayer was not a desperate bid to control the outcome.
It was a conscious, deliberate act of sinking my roots deep into the network, of drawing up the peace and strength that I now trusted was flowing there, regardless of the circumstances on the surface.
My focus shifted from manipulating the future to inhabiting the present with a sense of profound connection.
I reached out to my community, not for platitudes, but for the shared strength of our interconnected root system.
The outcome of the health crisis was positive, for which I am eternally grateful.
But the true miracle was the internal one.
The ultimate benefit of my newfound trust was not a guaranteed result, but a transformed experience of the trial itself.
The frantic anxiety of the transactional model was replaced by a deep, resilient peace that held me even in the face of the unknown.
This is the profound gift of a mycelial faith.
It moves us from the lonely, precarious individualism of the tightrope to the communal, resilient life of the forest.
It teaches us that trust is not about the absence of storms, the felling of trees, or the darkness of the soil.
It is about discovering the vast, life-giving network that exists beneath the surface of our awareness, a network that connects us all.
It is the slow, humbling, and joyful realization that we are not solitary, struggling saplings, but integral parts of a living, breathing, and mysteriously intelligent whole.
The ultimate benefit of trusting God is not getting what you want, but becoming part of the life that Is.
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